did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
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