I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
