on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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