Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
