sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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