dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
