Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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