How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
