He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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