Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
