i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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