if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Randomize
