When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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