based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize