I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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