I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
