And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
