Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
