I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
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