Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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