I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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