Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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