Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
