Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
