I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
