I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize