just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
