i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
