yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I skipped work to stalk him.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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