So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize