my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
