Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
