Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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