omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
