My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
