someone get that fucking seahorse.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
