Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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