I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
