My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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