I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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