As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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