i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
