So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
