There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Randomize