I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
