Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
im six kinds of drunk right now
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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