The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
