Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
