hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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