I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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