so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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