Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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