They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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