Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
