I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
