Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
