I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
