I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
