I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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