I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
