I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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