Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
