you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
