How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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